5 MINUTE READ
So how it’s all gone down since I reached my OMG Weight and stepped away from the muffin?
Errrrm , not so well, actually .
Yeah, I’ve moved a bit more and eaten a wee bit less but jeez… how boring is watching what you eat (and drink)?
A: REALLY REALLY REALLY BORING.
In the tradition of Bridget Jones here’s my Diary for the last 7 days…
Yoga classes – 1
Walking/ Short Runs – 56,000 steps (about 25 miles)
Healthy dinners – eg made from scratch, sorta following a recipe – 4
White Food Intake (Rice, Bread, Pasta) – 4
Healthy Breakfasts & Lunches – 13
Ryvita & Boiled Egg – Enough for a lifetime
Junk food (pizza, burgers, chips ) – 1
Cakes – 1 (a lovely moist ginger slice with a lime cream topping)
Gin n Slim – 2
Wine – several
So here’s what I shoulda coulda woulda done…
NAME DROP ALERT
Be Like VB…leave a bit of Mr Manners
I got this from a friend who sorta picked it from Victoria Beckham.
Ok, so here’s how it all went down…my friend happened to be staying in a hotel where La Victoria was having breakfast with Le David.
So anyway as Les Becks left the building my friend sprung to her feet, like a whippet out a cage, and scampered past VB’s table, ostensibly on the way to the loo, but we all know she was just checking out what VB had eaten.
So…come closer…VB had ordered a full English breakfast BUT she’d only had a couple of bites of a sausage, dipped a bit of bacon in her egg, a mouthful of toast and left the rest!
And that, my friend, is why VB is a size minus zero, if that’s a thing, and looks amazeballs in just about anything she wears and we, who have reached our OMG Weight, don’t.
Now I know that a couple of bites of sausage and a smidgen of egg coated bacon will not satisfy us mere mortals, but come on …. do we really have to lick the plate?
Can we, for example, leave uneaten what Victoria consumed – a wee bit of this and a wee bit that, thus saving a couple of hundred calories and feeling almost satisfied.
Yes We Can!!
Spend Your Calories Wisely
Calories are like money in the bank. You’ve only got so many to spend every day so choose carefully how you spend them.
Is that rotten Nutty Bar really worth 180 calories?
Do you really want to blow the budget on the White Mocha Frappuccino and Muffin? Or would you prefer a half a pizza and a salad and a glass of wine?
Some jobs help you stay slim. Have you ever seen an overweight waiter, postman, nursery teacher, barista? No, me neither. So if, like me, you work in a jobs desk job then it’s time to make a career change – or, if that’s not really feasible, buy a stand-y up desk (no don’t actually, they look like Hell on Earth).
Just move your butt as much as possible. Which takes us nicely on to…
The minute one reaches one’s FFS Weight – it’s time to don one’s trainers and Move One’s Butt…
Get a FitBit and walk whenever the opportunity arises – to the bank, up the stairs, work, shops. Ok, it’s half as much fun as eating muffins, but not that bad when you get going. Team up with a friend and you can talk about all the food you’ve eaten/ not eaten/thought about eating, as you walk.
Take up Fidgeting. I’m self-confessed fidget.People in cinema Tut Tut at me all the times. I sometimes sense my hairdresser wants to slap me. By the time I get comfy in the 10-minute relaxation bit at the end of a yoga class everyone else is saying Nameste and Cheerio.
Fidgeting is annoying BUT surely it must burn some calories.
TOP TIP….If possible avoid going more than 1 stone over your FFS Weight. I reckon that losing 3-4 lbs = 1 month of misery. So 1 stone = 3 months of food/wine deprivation, which frankly, is quite enough misery anyone to bear in life.
Start thinking like those pesky bingo-wing-free French Women
Always opt for the less fattening option…soup without bread, macchiato instead of latte, share a dessert.
Say, for example, you fetch up in a Côte Restaurant and fancy everything on the fixed price menu, SUGGEST to your friend (or TELL your partner)…. Shall we both go for the 2 course – and share a starter and a dessert and have a main course each?
So you get to eat Calamari, Roast Sea Bass AND Crumble aux Pêches.
Not bad for £10.95 each.
Become a Slim Shopper
When you’re meandering around the supermarket, remember that old adage (ok I’ve just made it up) …If You Buy It You’ll Eat It.
So let’s imagine, you’re having friends round and think you might end up snacking (you will) stock up on those puffed rice snacks – ok they taste like cardboard and stick to the roof of your mouth – but they are only 89 cals.
I know, we’d all prefer a giant size of Pipers Karnataka Black Pepper & Sea Salt but, listen to your Aunty Jill, that’s how we ended up at our OMG Weight in the first place!
And… if you are trying to wean yourself off sugar don’t buy ANYTHING sweet. NOTHING not even a packet of meringues (which I’ve been known to nibble at…we’re talking sweet sawdust).
Bonus Top Tip – If trying to lose weight buy things you don’t really enjoy eating. So if you’re in Sainsbury’s and trying to decide if you should buy that bar of chocolate repeat 3 times WWVE (What Would Victoria Eat)…in fact get that tattooed on the inner forearm…and buy the oatcakes.
Cut yourself some slack
If, say on a Saturday morning, you have a croissant and jam and a couple of milky coffees, and lunch consists of a Big Mac and dinner is Deliveroo curry ‘n’ Netflix (… you were out on the razz last night, weren’t you, no use denying it ). Keep calm – you’re not destined to star in the next series of Obese: A Year to Save My Life. You’ve just been a bit of a guts for a day.
Tomorrow’s another day.
What A Friend we Have in…Gin.
A Gin ‘n’ Slim Tonic is the alcohol equivalent of having a Ryvita with Boiled Egg for lunch.
Of course you want that juicy prawn mayo sandwich, with a side of Walkers Crips followed by a lovely Ripple (think, wine), but you know that the Ryvita with Boiled egg (think Gin ‘n’ Slim) is a perfectly pleasant alternative and about a million less calories.
The calories in wine is really quite horrifying – now I’m not claiming this is a proper sciency-y fact, but it almost is…every Ml of wine is roughly 1 calorie – so a 175Ml glass is 175 calories – that’s a packet of Revels for crying out loud !! 4 of them we’re talking steak ‘n’ chips.
White things are the enemy
Potatoes., bread, pasta, rice, redheads (only kidding…I am one).
Seriously, white things should be a treat – like birthday cake or a bikini wax – they are not for every day.
Be a Miser-Pants
Act like you are living on half the budget that you spend on food.
So if you normally spend £50 a week, eat like your budget is £25….
Think portion control
Limit the biscuits
Ration butter – don’t lavish it on that scone! Get it to room temperature then spread on a wee scliff (lovely old Scottish word) and think yourself lucky!
Halve things and save some for later.If you have a coffee and carrot cake in the local café eat half there and take the rest home for later.
So there you have it How British Woman Try Not To Be Fat.
I warned you that it’s boring. And I hate to finish with even more bad news – but here goes…
Avoiding your OMG Weight is a lifetime battle.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight in the air
We will fight it in the pizza joint.
We shall never surrender…but we will never truly win.
Get used to it, girlfriend.
G ‘n’ T and delicious Puffed Rice Snack anyone?
Don’t miss a trick…you can also find me on…
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