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Don’t know your Khloe from your Kourtney? Me Neither.
Not been keeping up with the Kardashians? Me neither.
Don’t Give a Toss? Me Neither.
Having said that, there comes a point in life when something has been on your peripheral vision for so long – say, Nigel Farage, Ivanka Trump’s husband or Clean Eating – that you wake up one morning and think What Is That?
So if you have even the mildest curiously about The Kardashians – like why do all their names begin with K and why are they so everywhere and who the hell are the Jenners – but can’t be assed finding out, read on.
I’ve been Googling and reading the Daily Mail Online – and I’ve even watched some YouTube clips of Keeping Up With the Kardashians (or KUWTK to those of us the know) – so you don’t have to, and am proud to present…
The Essential Guide For The Totally Disinterested: The Kardashians
Keeping Up With the Kardashians…
is a reality TV show that follows the lives of the Kardashians, their various partners, and wider blended family. It first aired in October 2007, and is now in its 14th season (God ‘elp us).
The gals have eyewatering numbers following their every move on social media – more people follow Kim Kardashian on Instagram than live in Norway, Iceland AND Wales COMBINED – and they can command six figures sums for a couple of brand endorsement posts.
The Kardashians are minted…
and have tons of things like a fleets of toy cars for the kids, B I G diamonds, surrogate babies and Kim recently unveiled her new set of wheelie bins which are emblazoned with Louis Vuitton Logo (personally if I was LV’s Director of Marketing I am not so sure I’d have sanctioned that use of my precious branding).
They live near each other in Los Angeles in huge homes with swimming pools and comfy looking white sofas on which they lounge about, wearing cream leisurewear, and talk very earnestly to each other about the latest family drama.
Kris Jenner (born 1955)…
is the brains behind the whole carry on.
She’s been married twice and is the self-appointment Momager (she’s trademarked the word) overseeing the careers of her six children.
Kris’s Marriage to Robert Kardashian
It all started in 1978 when Kris gave up her job as a flight attendant and married Robert Kardashian, a lawyer
They had 4 children together – 3 girls, and must have decided it would be really kute to give them all names that all start a K. So we have Kourtney (born 1979), Kim (b. 1980) and Khloe (b. 1984). Oh, and they also had 1 son – ROB b. 1987 (why not Keith or Kev I do not know) – who nobody seems that much interested in – so don’t worry about him.
Robert was friendly with OJ Simpson and was part of his defense team when OJ stood trial for murdering his wife, Nicole (who was Kris’s friend) and Ron Goldman. (If you watch The People Vs O.J. Simpson you’ll see Robert Kardashian played by David Schwimmer and lots of little Kardashians talking earnestly).
After the couple divorced in 1991, Robert went on to marry two other women (thankfully no one is interested in them either). He died in 2003, aged 59, of esophageal cancer.
Kris Marriage To and Divorce From Bruce / Caitlin Jenner
Meanwhile back to Kris, who after her divorce promptly married Bruce Jenner, who had won a gold medal in the decathlon event at 1976 Olympic Games.
Bruce had already been married twice and had three sons – Burt, Brandon, Brody (clearly he prefers Bs to Ks) – and a daughter Casey. We don’t have to think about them either.
Bruce and Kris went on to have two daughters whose names also start with a K – so we have the Kardashians half-sisters, Kendall Jenner (b 1995) and Kylie Jenner (b 1997) Jenner – who both appear regular in KUWTK.
After 23 years of marriage, Kris and Rob, divorced in 2015 citing irreconcilable differences – which might have been down to Bruce announcing that he had gender dysphoria, had spent years cross-dressing and was planning to undergone hormone replacement therapy. However, I suspect it had more to do with the fact that he chose to spell his new name Caitlyn with a C and not a K. Kaitlyn would have been just as good and would have tied in nicely with the branding.
Caitlyn Jenner – above
Since then Caitlyn, has undergone cosmetic and sex reassignment surgery and in 2015 was named Glamour magazine’s Woman of the Year, was featured on the front cover of Vanity Fair, is better at walking in heels than I am, and is known as a keen advocate for LGBT rights.
Right now relations between Caitlyn and Kris ain’t good because Caitlin brought out a tell-all autobiography in which she dissed (see I got jargon) the Kardashians as well as marriage to Kris: Cue lots of in KUWTK scenes sitting about on white sofas being earnest.
After that divorce, Kris started dating toyboys, and frankly, I don’t blame her.
PAY ATTENTION AT THE BACK!
is the oldest Kardashian and was the first family member to appear on reality TV, taking part in Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. I haven’t checked but I don’t think it won any Emmys
Kourtney has had an on-off romance with Scott Disick, who works in ‘various industries’ (flogging vitamins and supplements and whatnot) and they had three kids – Mason, Penelope, and Reign. Scott was forever being photographed with other women and announced he has a sex addiction. Kourtney seems to have got fed up with that and is now also dating toy boys. And frankly, I don’t blame her either.
Kim Kardashian West…
Hmmm…where to start! Kim is the most famous of the Ks but way back she was seen as a bit of ‘hanger-on’ to celebrities like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, then a sex tape of her and Ray J (I have no idea who he is and to be honest I’ve already spent quite enough time on Google for this post) shot her to fame right before the launch of KUWTK.
Since then, Kim has launched tons of products, apps, appeared on Dancing with the Stars, posed for endless fashion shoots, broke the internet with a nude selfie, appeared on the front cover of Vogue and was robbed at gunpoint during Paris fashion week (where else, darling)
She’s been married three times. The first time, aged 19, she made a major error of judgment by marrying a man whose name did not begin with a K (Damon Thomas) but she quickly corrected that my marrying a sports guy Kris Humphries. That latest less than 2 months and then she married Kanye West a singer, in 2014 and they have gone on to 3 children together – North West ( a girl), Saint West (a boy) and recently, via a surrogate their third child Chicago West (a girl. Also a train station and the name of numerous pizza joints worldwide).
If had to choose a favourite (like someone was threatening to waterboard me if I didn’t pick one) it would be Khloe, who is known for her wit and words of wisdom. But then again, everything in life is relative.
Back in 2009 Khloe married basketball player Lamar Odom only a month after meeting him at a party but filed for divorce after helping him recover from an accidental drug overdose in a brothel. Well if that doesn’t get on the blower to the divorce lawyers I can’t imagine what would.
Following in the family tradition Khloe went on date toy boys and is expecting her first baby with her Baby Daddy Tristan Thompson – another sports guy.
has been appearing in KUWTK since she was 12. Suddenly when she was about 17 she turned in to one of “new generation of supermodels”.
She models for Victoria’s Secrets, has appear on the catwalk for Chanel, Givenchy and Marc Jacobs and was named as one of the highest-earning models of 2016 by Forbes Magazine.
Out of all the sisters Kendall is closest to her only full-blooded sibling Kylie and has been quoted as saying she’s ‘more of a Jenner’.
Are you concerned that this might means she’s distancing herself from her older half-sisters? Or are you with me and don’t give a shit?
is the baby of the family. She isn’t as model-y as Kendall but that’s not stopped her becoming a social media star with her own cosmetics line.
At the tender age of 20, she had a little girl, Stormi Webster with her Baby Daddy, Travis Scott (whose real name is the rather pleasant sounding Jacques Webster which begs the question why change to Travis Scott). Almost before Stormi had let out her first cry, Kylie released at 11-minute video showing the world the highlights of her secret pregnancy – the worst kept secret since Donald Trump took up dyeing his hair.
Never again will you feel out of touch when the K word is mentioned. And now you can get back to watching The Crown.
There’ll be more Essential Guides For The Totally Disinterested: coming your way soon.
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