3 MINUTE READ
Does anyone else have all their best ideas at 3.17am? Not 3.16am or 3.18am but 3.17am… precisely.
3.17am is the moment that I wake from a lovely dream…generally, something along the lines of me and my new best friend Meghan Markle are cruising down The Rhine with President Macron and Rick Stein…with a fully formed idea for the best novel ever written (we’re talking a JK-Rowling-Knowing-The-Whole-Harry-Potter-Plot-Whilst-On-A-Train moment).
I’ll try and ignore it but more often than not that proves impossible and before I know it my brain is churning out idea after idea…
How cool would my bathroom look if it was painted pistachio
How to make the perfect Banana Muffins (WTF! – I’ve never eaten, never mind baked, a banana muffin in my life)
Endless ideas for blog posts, which I then fully compose in my head (like this one!)
How to bring about World Peace.
In my semi-conscious state I’m convinced that all these ideas are absolutely incredible and worry that I won’t remember them in the morning – and then I’ll be responsible for badly made Banana Muffins and the lack of World Peace, and how will I live with myself. So I end up fumbling about for my phone, and sending a Me to Me text.
Sometimes that’ll do the trick and I’ll get back to sleep but more often than not the brilliant ideas morph into
HUGE POTENTIALLY DISASTROUS SCENARIOS
So in case, you are remotely interested, here’s a snapshot of my thoughts at 3.17am…
1. What if President Trumpety gets up for nocturnal pee-pee and some Very Very Very tweeting, stumbles, and lands on The Button and sets off The Bomb!
2. How did Big Little Lies finish again? I don’t remember the ending. Did someone die? Who?
3. Did I put the oven off?
4. I’m hungry
5 …and thirsty
6 …and where’s that bloody lip balm?
7. Why is that clock ticking so loudly?
But every tick represents a second that I will never have back
…a second nearer death.
The end is nigh.
Then I give in, get up and rip the battery from the clock
8. OMG I’ve got that New Business meeting tomorrow and pink is soooo the wrong colour for the Powerpoint presentation – it’s unprofessional and screams fluffy and will clash horribly with my tangerine blouse.
And my hair desperately needs washed.
Maybe I should wash it now?
Don’t be ridiculous.
Hold on, why exactly should I wash my hair for them anyway? It’s a crappy project and an even crappier fee and I probably won’t even get the job.
Actually, now I think about it, how dare they expect me to wash my hair!
I don’t even want their rotten business – they can shove their stupid project up their…BUT what about that credit card bill and my car going a bit flaky.
OMG I NEED this work.
9. What’s that throbbing pain in my big toe?
I’ve never had that before.
Did I stub it?
It feels serious.
Can you get cancer of the toe?
Then I’ll spend 10 minutes Googling Can you Get Cancer of the Big Toe
10. Kim Jong-un!!!!
11. What if HE stumbles on the way to the bathroom and sets off The Bomb!
12. When is my tax return due?
13. I wonder if Kim Jong-un has ever considered having his hair layered…and highlighted. Chestnut would work.
14. I need to get to the hairdresser.
Eventually, I’ll get back to sleep but next morning I’ll wake up looking and feeling as if I’ve been up all night swigging Tequila …and I’ve got a new business meeting in 90 minutes…and my hair needs washed…and I need to change the Powerpoint to Orange…and when I reach for my phone I find my Me to Me text which reads …
WORLD PEACE!!! Make contact wih sookja McDleejh and sfThomf aQNafka IMMEDTLY and send Rxasc to the ICna then INSTIGATE Xisey with ANGELINA Jolie; ADD raisins; wve q;OHI’EF + ENSURE the BANANAS r RIPE VITAL!!! Sent at 3.17am
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