4 MINUTE READ
Congratulations and welcome to Britain.
Without a doubt, you’re gonna bring a breath of fresh air to the Royals. You’re gorgeous, smart, articulate, a talented actress, divorced, American and a feminist…what’s not to like.
You’re on the front page of every newspaper and magazine and we, the shallow people of the UK (that’ll be me), can’t get enough of you.
However, I couldn’t help but notice, that in your engagement photocall you adopted the old Vegas Showgirl Chest Thrust pose. Of course, you looked amazing. Harry looked delighted. But it just didn’t look very ermmm… British Royal Family.
Despite the fact that I’ve watched The Crown, Victoria and The Queen (wasn’t Helen Mirren marvellous) I would never presume to tell you, or anyone else how to be a Royal: I’d last about 3 minutes – eating too many bread rolls and slurping my soup, BUT I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a short insight into…
The British Psyche and How to Manoeuvre You’re Way Through It…
Quick Geography Lesson Britain? The United Kingdom? Great Britain? The British Isles? It’s really confusing (I was born here and I don’t understand it) but basically The UK is made up of 4 nations – England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, each with different characteristics, outlooks, history, politics, humour as well as a love-hate relationship with each other, based on historical slights and who currently has the better football and/or rugby team.
Please don’t worry about any of that – you are A ROYAL and above such petty nonsense, however one word of warning. NEVER refer to yourself as being a member of the English Royal Family or related to the Queen of England. It’s the BRITISH Royal Family. We all have the tax bill to prove it. Want to know more? Read this.
Acceptable Idle Chit Chat…whilst tucking into a handful of Ferrero Rocher at the Ambassador’s Reception it’s perfectly acceptable to rattle on about Strictly Come Dancing,/The Great British Bake Off/Masterchef, what to watch on Netflix (try not to mention Suits too often) , the latest collections from Burberry and Mulberry, or my personal favourite The Weather.
We Brits talk about the weather incessantly. Some popular phrases you might want to adopt are “Oh my goodness, it’s been Four Season In One Day” or “I say, it was raining cats and dogs today” or, if you ever find yourself in my home city of Glasgow you could simply say, It’s pure Baltic, man. No, that doesn’t mean that Scotland is in the Baltic region, it’s simply a way of saying it’s really rather cold today.
What not to talk about…Brexit, Scottish independence, Welsh independence, politics in general, religion, whether Claire Foy is any good as your Granny-in-law-to-be in The Crown, the possibility of Britain becoming a republic, Camilla’s role in the demise of Charles & Diana’s marriage.
Get used to men talking about 1966..the year England won the World Cup (soccer to you). Since then, Englishmen, especially sports commentators, have made reference to it whenever the opportunity arises, while the rest of us roll our eyes. Oh, and you’ll probably hear a lot about the success of the 2012 Olympics. Time to get over that too.
Europe It’s complicated. We had a referendum. We voted to leave the European Union but many people didn’t want to and lots of the ones who did are now getting a bit scared of what’s gonna happen. Meantime, the Prime Minister – she’s called Theresa May – is dashing about Brussels, like a headless chicken, and has aged about 10 years in 6 months.
Anyways, no doubt that’ll all blow over, sometime soon, but what won’t, is another love-hate relationship we Brits have – this time with our European friends.
Here’s the lowdown…
Germany – we envy their efficiency, wealth, engineering skills and ability to nab the best sun lounger on the beach – BUT feel superior because WE ARE BRITISH and we won the war.
France – we envy their joie de vivre and luxury brands and marvel at the inability of French women to put on weight – BUT feel superior because WE ARE BRITISH and we saved them during the war.
Italy – we envy their looks, passion, weather and food – BUT feel superior because WE ARE BRITISH.
What to Wear. On the whole, we British gals don’t do Matchy-Matchy New York or Laid-Back LA. The cool girls in town mix it all up, say a leopard print skirt with striped top, ankle socks and wedges then add a trilby and a fun fake fur. – probably lilac. I expect you won’t get away with that but Meghan, PLEASE DO keep the showbiz Markle Sparkle – you look fantastic. And PLEASE DON’T adopt SAFE & DULL beloved by your soon to be sister-in-law Kate, The Duchess of Middleclass.
Oh, and in the winter, be prepared to layer. I hear those castles are pure Baltic, man.
Talking of Class…we Brits are very aware of the class system and know exactly where we belong within it. We don’t always stick there but it’s not as easy here to move up (or down) the pecking order as it is in the good ol’ US of A. One quick route is to marry up…Kate can fill you in on that.
Every So Often Brits Have A Tendency To Get It Right Up The Establishment Like that time some bright spark at Natural Environment Research Council launched a campaign to name for a new polar research ship – no doubt hoping for something like HMS Intrepid Icebreaker. Alas, we, the Great British public, begged to differ. We formed an unspoken alliance and decided that Boaty McBoatface was a much better name. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You’ll find more on that lovely little fiasco here.
And then there was that time we voted for a dancing dog to win Britain’s Got Talent.
So, Ms Gorgeous Meghan Markle, I hope that’s been helpful. If you need any more advice you know where I am.
Just one more wee thing. I could make myself available for bridesmaid duties at short notice – although, please bear in mind, baby-blue is not my best colour.
Yours in servitude
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