4 Minute Read
As Oscar Wilde was prone to saying With Age Comes Wisdom… I suspect he just might have been referring to some of these little ol’ Midlife nuggets…
1.Reading Glasses Are Your New BFF
They are the midlife equivalent of Cocaine. Whip out a pair in a restaurant and friends and strangers will gather around to ask if they can have a go. NB – avoid zany leopard print ones at all costs. Simple black oval ones suit everyone.
2.You Need To Up-Size Your Knickers
Despite being the same height and weight and dress size you need to buy bigger pants. Something down south has got wider or longer or fatter. FACT. Don’t fret. Nothing can be done about it.
3. You’ve Got Enough Stuff
12 pairs of shoes. CHECK.
4 pairs of jeans. CHECK
A car. CHECK.
A home. CHECK.
2 coats & 4 jackets. CHECK.
A fancy mobile phone. CHECK
3 white shirts and 18 white t-shirts (or is that just me) CHECK.
A huge telly. CHECK.
A dog. CHECK.
Seriously people, it’s time for us to…STOP BUYING STUFF.
Personally, I’d un-ban plastic straws (they are great for stirring Gin and Tonics) and impose a ban on buying crappy Fast Fashion tops that cost less than a bottle of wine: Someone somewhere along that production process is being seriously exploited.
4.You Don’t Have Enough Experiences
No one does…not even Elton John. So when someone asks what you want for Christmas, Birthday, or a Leaving Pressie, ask for an experience…A Night at the Ballet . A Guided River Swim, with Hans the Wild Nature Swimmer. Touring The North Coast 500 with some friendly Hells Angels.
5. You’re Much Wiser And Grumpier Than You Were In Your 20s
You’ve learned tons along the way – including you don’t have to be nice to everyone all the time, in fact, you don’t have to be nice to anyone any of the time.
6. You Can’t Change Anyone
We first heard about this in our 20s (ok Smart Ass, in your teens) and tried to put it in to action in our 30s but it’s only in Midlife, when you’ve witnessed the same person doing the same annoying thing 3089 times and you’ve pointed out that it’s stupid 3089 times, that you finally realise that it’s true – you can’t change anyone.
7. You’ll Never Understand Pensions
…but you’re highly f@cked off with everyone involved in the industry who creams off your money faster than they can shout, Another Bottle of Krug, Henri, including the UK Government, which quietly hiked women’s pension age by 7 years, and effectively nicked £60,000+ from the all midlife women. Ah, I feel much better now.
Which leads us nicely on to…
8. Life Is Fundamentally Unfair
Someone always has it easier than you (I’m thinking along the lines of Ivanka Trump and Princess Eugenie) and someone has always has it harder. Once you accept this brutal fact, life, and reading the Daily Mail Online, becomes much less annoying.
9. No One Is All Good Or Bad
…but some are bad-er than others – especially the ones who do the same stupid thing 3089 times. Best to avoid them. Or ignore them. Or stop noticing. Or love them anyway and accept the fact they are really annoying.
10.Removing Unwanted Hair Is A Time-consuming, But Ultimately Satisfying, New Hobby.
11. Interesting People Are Generally More Fun Than Beautiful People.
Sometimes they are the same people – but that’s rare because when you’re young and beautiful there’s no time to do things that make you interesting as you’re too busy wafting about accepting compliments.
12. Sometimes You Think You Can Still Dance The Way You Did In Your 20s
…but you can’t
13. That Creaking Noise When You Walk Up The Stairs Isn’t The Floorboard – it’s Your Knee
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