Dear Call Centre Staff…Sorry for being a bitch. Sorta.

Dear Call Centre Staff…Sorry for being a bitch. Sorta.

As we kick off a new year I thought this would be a good time to say sorry to all the call centre operatives that I was sarcastic to or, if I am honest, downright rude to, in 2017.

Sorry.

It wasn’t me…it was my inner sulky 15-year-old, complete with resting bitch face.

And it certainly wasn’t you…I know you’re on a crappy zero hour contract and paid shitty minimum wage and they monitor how many times you go to the toilet.  Frankly, I am amazed you can be so nice and chirpy when I call – I suspect you must seriously hit the tequila at weekends.

It IS, however, them, your bonus-obsessed CEO and his team who have sanctioned treating their customers like inconvenient numpties and making you work to a script full of sorry for your inconvenience, I can feel our pain….and is it ok if I call you, Jill.

So here goes with the apologies…

SORRY to all the British Airways people who I spoke to when they lost my suitcase for 3 days 

Green suitcase

My luggage went AWOL

Sorry that on Day 3 without a change of clothes I called (for the fifth time) and shouted I NEED FRESH PANTS NOW before you could ask for my Lost Baggage Reference Number.

And sorry I called back an hour later and to say that there was life-saving medicine in my suitcase and that if I die it’s your fault. I was lying. I did have some cough sweets in my make up bag but I could live without them for a couple of days.

Yes, I am sorry….BUT CAN YOU PLEASE TELL YOUR BOSS THAT IF YOU LOSE SOMEONE’S LUGGAGE YOU SHOULD FIND IT AND GET IT TO THEM WITHIN 24 HOURS and UPGRADE THEM TO FIRST CLASS FOR LIFE and GIVE THEM LOTS OF MONEY FOR ALL THE THINGS THEY HAVE HAD TO BUY WITHOUT THEM HAVING TO KEEP RECEIPTS AND FILL IN A HORRIBLY COMPLICATED CLAIM FORM.

BASTARDS

Thanks.

SORRY to the Scottish Power person I called when my electricity bill soared by a whopping 28% and I said, rather sarcastically, “Do you think my middle name is Blackpool Illuminations.” 

Blackpool illuminations at night

Feel like I’m paying to light up this little lot

I know you were only doing your job when you explained the price hike was due to oil prices in Russia, or something like that.

Sorry, it was childish…BUT CAN YOU PLEASE TELL YOUR BOSS THAT IT’S NOT RIGHT TO HIKE UP ELECTRICITY AND GAS BILL BY 28% AND FORCE BUSY PEOPLE TO SHOP AROUND AND FIND THE SAME SEVICE FOR WAY CHEAPER FROM A COMPETITOR, NOT TO MENTION OLDER PEOPLE, WHO DON’T HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL TO CALL YOU AND NEGOTIATE. AND, WHILE I’M AT IT, YOU DON’T DESERVE YOUR EYE-WATERING BONUS.

BASTARDS

Thanks. 

And SORRY to the Aviva Car Insurance guy that I was cheeky to when you told me that the reason my car insurance was jumping up 20+% was something else to do with Russia, or maybe it was China, and that people who live in my postcode are probably having more accidents and car thefts.

I should have accepted your word instead of questioning how this could be the case when – 

1/I hadn’t made any claims

2/ My car is not worth much in the first place and certainly worth less than it was a year ago…and then added, totally unnecessarily, “have you actually heard of depreciation?”

Yes I am sorry…BUT CAN YOU TELL YOUR BOSS TO STOP RIPPING PEOPLE OFF AND EXPECTING YOUR LOYAL CLIENTS TO SUBSIDISE CLAIMS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH US.  YOU’RE AN INSURANCE COMPANY AND IT’S YOUR JOB TO INSURANCE THINGS, AND PAY UP WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG AND NOT PASS THE COST ON TO OTHER CLIENTS.  

BASTARDS

…AND PS I HAVEN’T HEARD OF A CAR RADIO BEING NICKED SINCE 1999  

Thanks

SORRY to the Bank of Scotland gal who I spoke to (after hanging on for 25 minutes listening to Pharrell Williams’ belting out Happy ) about being locked out of online banking. 

Sorry that after you very politely explained that your system was slow because it was Monday, I asked you to Bear With Me while I looked for some my bank account details when in actual fact I was making a cup of tea and eating a digestive biscuit, trying, rather immaturely, to get revenge.

Sorry.  BUT CAN YOU TELL YOUR BOSS TO IMPROVE THEIR STUPID SYSTEM SO IT WORKS ON A BUSY MONDAY MORNING 

BASTARDS

Thanks

And finally, SORRY to the Vodafone person who couldn’t get a word in before I snapped that I had wasted 20 minutes earlier in the day going through security only to be told that the call centre wasn’t open yet.

Sorry. BUT CAN YOU TELL YOUR BOSS TO SORT OUT THEIR SODDING SYSTEM SO YOU DON’T BUGGER UP PEOPLE’S MORNING UP BY ASKING FOR THEIR BUDGIE’S NAME  (Biggles, as it happens) AND THEIR NICKNAME AT SCHOOL (Carrot Heid) ONLY TO TELL THEM  THE CALL CENTRE DOES NOT OPEN TILL 8AM.

BASTARDS

Thanks

I think that went rather well. Now, I am going to be much nicer in 2018.

Jill x

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37 Comments

  1. 13 January 2018 / 6:35 pm

    Hi MidlifeSmarts,
    I can’t describe how much I enjoyed what I just read. It is hilarious – as hilarious as one of my favorite comedies “The Gods Must Be Crazy.” I think you would make a wonderful stand-up comedian. I also have a sense of humor, but it is so hard to write in a surprising way. So kudos!

    • Jill
      Author
      13 January 2018 / 6:52 pm

      Hey LadyF you have just made my day. So chuffed you enjoyed. Thanx x

  2. Stuart
    13 January 2018 / 7:40 pm

    Haha. Hope you found that therapeutic, Jill.
    And these are all call centres for companies that you have a reason to deal with. I hate to imagine what you’re like when taking unsolicited calls from random companies offering loft-insulation, replacement windows or boiler upgrades. Watch out folks!!

    • Jill
      Author
      13 January 2018 / 8:09 pm

      Haha. They don’t tend to call me now. Think I’m on a ‘List’ X

  3. 13 January 2018 / 8:24 pm

    So good to read Jill, made me laugh! I feel your pain….good luck in 2018, I think you’re going to need it!!

  4. 14 January 2018 / 12:48 am

    What works for me (other than letting off steam at people who shouldn’t have to be the recipients – yep, me too. Soz) is to go on the corporate social media (facebook, twitter wherever they skulk, and tell the world as it is. And when they take it down do it again and tell the world they’ve taken it down and you’ll keep posting until someone from a level that can deal with your complaint calls you. It’s worked with Sainsbury and Vodafone though SSE are made of sterner stuff… so far. Happy new year with the complaining…

    • Jill
      Author
      14 January 2018 / 5:25 pm

      Hey Geoff thanks for popping by and commenting. Letting off steam works a treat but I’ll try your suggestions next time I hit probs. Good luck with SSE! Jill

  5. 14 January 2018 / 3:49 pm

    I only lasted a month on a customer service phone line. I’m too nice. Apparently. I’m sure I really would have dealt with your call quickly and satisfactorily. Sorta.

    • Jill
      Author
      14 January 2018 / 5:24 pm

      Hey Lorna, must be one helluva job – dealing with annoyed people all day! Thanks for commenting. Jill

  6. 15 January 2018 / 12:58 pm

    Whenever I have to call a call centre I keep telling myself that it’s not their fault that whatever it is that’s gone wrong has gone wrong, but they do say such daft things sometimes. I often wonder what their lives are like. Do they go home and cry or do call centres only employ people entirely lacking in empathy? I suspect the latter.

    • Jill
      Author
      15 January 2018 / 3:46 pm

      Hey thanks for commenting. I try to be patient but do sometime resort to horrible sarcasm! I think many are so monitored and scripted that they aren’t allowed to engage in normal conversation. Thanks for reading.

  7. 15 January 2018 / 3:33 pm

    PREACH! Try moving house three times in a year imagine how many wonderful call centres I’ve had to speak to. Gosh I HATE the automated system where you have to tell them what your query is. Then it responds with have you visited our website first. Listen automated service thingy-ma-bob if I could sort this issue out online without the need for this faff I bloody well would thanks. Grrrrrrrrr.

    Thanks Jill I feel like this post was therapeutic!

    • Jill
      Author
      15 January 2018 / 3:43 pm

      Hahaha . 3 house moves! That must have involved at least 300 call centre calls!! It WAS theraputic to write. Mind you, it must be a hellava job dealing with disgruntled people like me all day 🙂 Jx

  8. 15 January 2018 / 3:44 pm

    Oh man, customer service is truly the hardest—on both sides! I’ve definitely felt like the barely restrained I’m-gonna-lose-my-sh*t-in-one-minute moments. But I try hard to think of the other person on the line as my partner, not the enemy. The real enemy is the system, the policies, and the rigamoral that make it hard to get what we need done. It totally sucks that prices rise and people like you and me (and the customer service people) have no real information. I dread calling customer service. It sounds like you do too!

    • Jill
      Author
      15 January 2018 / 3:48 pm

      Hey Angela, I couldn’t agree more. The system dehumanised the call centre people so normal conversation/ connection is impossible. I try to be patient but do get horribly sarcastic sometimes. It often feels like big companies just want you to GO AWAY. Thanks for reading and commenting. JIll x

  9. 15 January 2018 / 4:27 pm

    HaHaHa!! So funny. Must have been pretty cathartic!!! 🙂

    • Jill
      Author
      15 January 2018 / 4:28 pm

      It certainly was!! Thanks for reading and commenting

  10. 15 January 2018 / 5:47 pm

    Nothing but respect for you Jill. I bloody hate phoning call centres. Having worked in a call centre when I first graduated from Uni (worst job I’ve ever had), I can confirm that when a customer phones up & has a go at the call centre employee they put the customer on speaker phone so everyone in the office can hear & (quietly) laugh at them. Not overly professional to say the least.

    • Jill
      Author
      15 January 2018 / 5:54 pm

      Haha. I don’t blame them. They must hear some crazy rants. I try and count to 10 and be patient but not always sucessful at that! Jill x

  11. 15 January 2018 / 5:58 pm

    Ha! I wonder if the bank had planned on having “Happy” on their call system in hopes of talking to happier people. I’m afraid it may well do the opposite. I love the song, but I think it would make waiting on the phone worse. Lovely post!

    • Jill
      Author
      15 January 2018 / 6:00 pm

      Hey Erin, thanks for commenting. I am sure the powers that be think blasting Happy etc will make us all more patient. Doesn’t work for me 🙂 Jill x

  12. 15 January 2018 / 6:15 pm

    I recently got a help center rep on the line and his name was Dexter…I was extra polite to that one. Good stuff here.

    • Jill
      Author
      15 January 2018 / 6:34 pm

      Haha. Yeah you need to be careful with people named after seriel killers.

  13. 15 January 2018 / 7:06 pm

    I once had in my lost baggage the DNA from 5 million people on a far away planet who wanted to be recreated here on Earth. Due to air line baggage handling, those 5 million people died, and I already spent an enormous amount for electricity for the refrigeration system for their care, not to mention the cost of insurance for the refrigeration van and lab that I didn’t need anymore, and the cost of the PR person that I hired from a call center on Mars. But I think I could learn something from you — perhaps if I had spoken up in your style, Lives could have been saved, and we’d have advanced beings available for call centers.

    • Jill
      Author
      15 January 2018 / 7:15 pm

      Well Doug, that sounds even more serious than me losing my make up 🙂 Thanx for swinging by Jill

  14. 15 January 2018 / 8:54 pm

    Guess you’re not really sorry…lol. I worked in Customer Service for 25 years. Not all of the years on the phone, but my first year working for a cellphone company in 1991 was certainly trial by fire. Cell service was expanding ridiculously fast and the company wasn’t prepared to expand their call centers as fast as the customers were growing. Customers were waiting on hold for 20 minutes or more because we had so many customers calling in. Imagine being that Rep who had to answer the call after the customer held on the phone for 20 minutes. Of course, having spent so many years in customer service, my preference is to go online, not to call. I don’t want to speak to people, I want to figure it out myself. It’s not always possible, but preferable.

    • Jill
      Author
      16 January 2018 / 7:05 pm

      Hey Jennifer – sounds like a tough job especially in the early days. It often feels like big companies don’t care about their customers and the customer service staff take the brunt of the moans and graons. Thanks for commenting. JIll

  15. 18 January 2018 / 6:51 pm

    Ha ha ha! I daren’t write a similarly entitled post, it would crash the internet! Sue x

    • Jill
      Author
      18 January 2018 / 6:54 pm

      Haha Sue. Thanx for popping on Jill x

  16. 21 January 2018 / 9:13 am

    I think we can all relate to this at some stage or another. Too funny Jill 😉

    • Jill
      Author
      21 January 2018 / 9:21 am

      Morning Lorelle. Thanks for that.

  17. 21 January 2018 / 10:33 am

    HAHA! This really made me laugh as I could relate to several of them. I am usually a mild-mannered person until it comes to having to phone up bloody call centres! I wish you luck in keeping your promise for 2018! 🙂

    • Jill
      Author
      21 January 2018 / 10:52 am

      Hey Judy lovely to read your comment. I’ll try my best in 2018 !! Jill

  18. 21 January 2018 / 1:17 pm

    Love it. I usually start with I know you have no control over this but…….. to call centre staff. End with can and will you push this up the line? Also I don’t think anyone should be able to jack prices up without giving notice to people. I mean really 28% for some people might mean choosing between being warm or eating. AHHHHHHAAAA… I am with you here.

    • Jill
      Author
      21 January 2018 / 1:31 pm

      Hey Brenda. Thanx for commenting. I’m gonna adopt your opening line in future! . X

  19. 10 May 2018 / 2:25 pm

    We’re 5 months into 2018, have you been nice as promised? 😁

    • Jill
      Author
      10 May 2018 / 2:30 pm

      No ! 😂

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