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I’ve got World Cup Fever…as in The Bubonic Plague.
Yep, it’s that time again. The FIFA World Cup is once again upon us (is it really 4 years since the last one or are they are sneaking them in every 2 years now?).
32 teams, playing 64 matches in 11 cities, over 31 Days. Oh joy! A whole month of Non-Stop Football; over-excited shout-y commentators; endless references to 1966 (when Engerland won the World Cup…and don’t you forget it!); non-stop analysis of goals, tactics, penalties and
tossers, sorry toss-ups.
During the next 4 weeks, Football Fans around the world will be in heaven and will either rattle on endlessly about The Beautiful Game or go into a Football Coma during which time they will be completely silent apart from making occasional ecstatic, angry, sad and weep-y noise as they stare, unblinkingly, at the TV.
So, hot on the heels of Watch Rugy? 25 Things I’d Prefer To Do – Midlife Smarts proudly presents…
25 Ways to Annoy a Football Fanatic During the World Cup
...and for ease of writing let’s assume it’s a man.
1 . Take the batteries out of the TV Remote Control and throw them in the bin
2. Take up a nightly practise of Naked Yoga, placing your mat strategically in front of the telly
3. Put on your glasses and feign interest during a really important game by asking a series of endless questions like…
Who are ones in blue? It’s a lovely shade – almost Cornflower. Do you think that shade would work in the Bathroom?
Why don’t they wear ankle socks? They’d be much cooler in that heat.
Who is your favourite WAG?
Why is everyone boo-ing the Referee – he looks like a perfectly nice man. And he must be really rather fit – what with all that running up and down the pitch.
4. Invite all your friends, especially the loud ones, over for a Book (Wine) Club Session to discuss 50 Shades of Grey
5. Phone your electricity provider and ask for your service to be disconnected, then take yourself off on a cruise for a month.
5. Stop making food and buying beer and crisps
6. Invite all the neighborhood kids to your home for a giant game for Hide and Seek.
7. Sit beside him on the sofa as he watches his favourite team, put on some noise-cancelling earphones, play some calming music, and you give yourself a pedicure. The Full 2 Hour Special complete with soaking your feet, filing and clipping your toenails (which might accidentally ping on to his pile of Walkers Crisps), dry skin removal, corn-tackling, cuticle removal, Base Coat application followed by 3 layers of polish, finished off with a Top Coat.
8. During a lull in the action ask him to explain the off-side rule and when he mumbles a vague explanation, Google it and read it aloud then say you still don’t understand that and would he mind demonstrating with the Salt and Pepper Mill, some crisps and olives and your Large Gin & Tonic?
9. Invite his mother to stay – then go on that cruise for a month.
10. Keep asking when David Beckham is coming on.
11. Announce that you are playing a game of Hunt the Remote which involves you texting him clues on where you have hidden it, throughout the day, and if hasn’t solved the mystery by 6pm you get to watch Love Island – live!
12. Host an Ann Summers party for all your friends and neighbours and work colleagues and those loud women from your local pub.
13. Join a choir and practice the scales every evening, while the half-time discussion is taking place.
14. Around Quarter Finals time, when he briefly emerges from his Football Coma and feels guilty about not speaking to you for the previous 17 ½ days – be really nice. Don’t show even one sign of a huff. Simply kiss him lovingly on the forehead and ask if he’d like you to get him a beer and rustle you up something tasty for him. It’ll scare the hell out of him. He’ll think you are leaving.
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15. Announce that July is Clean Your House Month. Get out your fancy dress maid outfit, rubber gloves and feather duster and tackle the cobwebs, the skirting boards and vacuum EVERYWHERE – or better still buy one of those vacuum robot cleaners and set it to zoom about the lounge every evening just after kick off.
16. Adopt some animals for a month – and tell him you are thinking of setting up a Pet Sitting Service/ Home Zoo. A couple of hamsters, a dog, cat and perhaps a chicken or two should do the trick.
17. Start crying and say you’ve had enough of football and insist he watches Series 1 and 2 of The Handmaid’s Tale with you and takes part in a post-episode discussion.
18. Book a beautician to come to your home and give you a vajazzle.
19. Ask if he thinks Jose Mourhino or David Beckham is the better looking
21. Put on your glasses again and ask him, very earnestly for his thoughts on how a naturally-gifted footballer from the past, say Pele, or Cruyff or even Maradona, would get on in today’s game when they came up against the more athletic, highly trained footballers, like Ronaldo, Messi or Neymar. When he gives you his thoughts nod repeated and say I see. I see. I see – until he realises your taking the piss
22. Wait until the Semi-Finals then announce it’s the anniversary of your first ever date (he’ll be none the wiser) and insist you go out for a Fancy Pants meal
23. Arrange a girls-only BBQ outside the lounge window and do everything wrong – he won’t be able to resist sorting it out for you.
24. Go In To Labour during the Final.
25. If You Can’t Beat ‘em Join ‘em – get yourself a football top (preferably that Cornflower Blue one), one of those annoying Vuvuzela Horns and become a fanatical fan his least favourite team.
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