The 5 Stages of Lockdown

Just like there are 5 Stages of Grief, there are also 5 Stages of Lockdown…

Stage 1  – Expertise

The first stage (men are particularly good at this bit) is becoming an expert.

Some see themselves as Prime Minister-in-waiting can’t stop shoutily explaining

Where Boris is getting it wrong!!

What he should be doing to sort this NOW!!

How Germany is doing it better!!

Others fancy their self as the Chief Medical Officer and constantly refer to COVID-19,  talk knowledgably about Herd Immunity and Flattening the Curve and if you so much as clear your throat in their company, they whip a thermometer from a sterile bag and tell you to  bend over

Finally, there’s the Laura Kuenssbergs who insist on giving you Rolling News on Infection, Recovery and Testing statistic from around the world …city by city, an update on the economic outlook for 2024 and will NOT be interrupted.

When not broadcasting they can be heard humming the BBC News Theme Tune

Stage 2 – Activity

Initially people in this stage led the charge in panic buying and have more stock in their kitchen cupboards than can be found in the average Morrison’s.

Now they can be found learning Portuguese, running round and round their garden training for the London Marathon 2021 AND making their own respirator out of an old Dyson and some freezer bags.

Workaholics feel particularly comfortable in this stage.

Stage 3 – Denial

During this stage people can be found sticking their fingers in the their ears, humming La La La La La before settling down to binge watch Midsomer Murders, while mainlining KALMS and guzzling down Pinot Grigio  by the bucket.

Stage – 4  Control

During this stage people become convinced that they will not get the Coronavirus if only they can take CONTROL

They have fashioned their own Hazmat Suit out of a roll of clingfilm and last year’s Christmas Onsie and wear a mask and rubber gloves at all times, even when showering.

Warning those with a tenancy toward hypochondria may get stuck in this stage and won’t be seen again until 2023

Stage 5 – Acceptance

Finally, in Stage 5 we have the Ma Waltons who are actually quite enjoying being at home crafting, baking and eating.

As for me.

I’ve worked my way through them all this week

On Monday I spent 12 hours scrolling online news, recorded The Boris Show and watched it three times and applied to be on the Question Times Panel

By Tuesday I was Alphabetising my herbs and considering reroofing my home

Wednesday saw me work my way through 8 episodes of Breaking Bad (yes, I’ve already seen it) a Family Size Packet of Doridos and a bottle of green liqueur I’d brought back from Spain in 2009

On Thursday I made my own makeshift protective mask out of a pair of men’s underpants and replaced my handbag bottle of Acqua di Parma, with a bottle of Dettol Antibacterial Spray and wiped EVERYTHING and EVERYONE anywhere near my Social Distance Space.

Come Friday I made banana bread, soup, scones and hand sanitiser (I am not sure it kills Coronavirus but it sure as hell takes the top layer of skin off) and started work my new Spring Summer collection…made out of my curtains.

I hope you’re at a good stage.

Much Love.

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