4 MINUTE READ
Dear Meghan
Congratulations and welcome to Britain.
Without a doubt, you’re a breath of fresh air to the Royals. You’re gorgeous, smart, articulate, a talented actress, divorced, American and a feminist…what’s not to like.
You’re on the front page of every newspaper and magazine and we, the shallow people of the UK (that’ll be me), can’t get enough of you.
However, I couldn’t help but notice, that in your engagement photocall you adopted the old Vegas Showgirl Chest Thrust pose. Of course, you looked amazing. Harry looked delighted. But it just didn’t look very ermmm… British Royal Family.
Despite the fact that I’ve watched The Crown, Victoria and The Queen (wasn’t Helen Mirren marvellous) I would never presume to tell you, or anyone else how to be a Royal: I’d last about 3 minutes – eating too many bread rolls and slurping my soup, BUT I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a short insight into…
The British Psyche and How to Manoeuvre You’re Way Through It…
Quick Geography Lesson Britain? The United Kingdom? Great Britain? The British Isles? It’s really confusing (I was born here and I don’t understand it) but basically The UK is made up of 4 nations – England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, each with different characteristics, outlooks, history, politics, humour as well as a love-hate relationship with each other, based on historical slights and who currently has the better football and/or rugby team.
Please don’t worry about any of that – you are A ROYAL and above such petty nonsense, however one word of warning. NEVER refer to yourself as being a member of the English Royal Family or related to the Queen of England. It’s the BRITISH Royal Family. We all have the tax bill to prove it. Want to know more? Read this.
Acceptable Idle Chit Chat…whilst tucking into a handful of Ferrero Rocher at the Ambassador’s Reception it’s perfectly acceptable to rattle on about Strictly Come Dancing,/The Great British Bake Off/Masterchef, what to watch on Netflix (try not to mention Suits too often) , the latest collections from Burberry and Mulberry, or my personal favourite The Weather.
We Brits talk about the weather incessantly. Some popular phrases you might want to adopt are “Oh my goodness, it’s been Four Season In One Day” or “I say, it was raining cats and dogs today” or, if you ever find yourself in my home city of Glasgow you could simply say, It’s pure Baltic, man. No, that doesn’t mean that Scotland is in the Baltic region, it’s simply a way of saying it’s really rather cold today.
What not to talk about…Brexit, Scottish independence, Welsh independence, politics in general, religion, whether Claire Foy is any good as your Granny-in-law-to-be in The Crown, the possibility of Britain becoming a republic, Camilla’s role in the demise of Charles & Diana’s marriage.
Get used to men talking about 1966..the year England won the World Cup (soccer to you). Since then, Englishmen, especially sports commentators, have made reference to it whenever the opportunity arises, while the rest of us roll our eyes. Oh, and you’ll probably hear a lot about the success of the 2012 Olympics. Time to get over that too.
Europe It’s complicated. We had a referendum. We voted to leave the European Union but many people didn’t want to and lots of the ones who did are now getting a bit scared of what’s gonna happen. Meantime, the Prime Minister – she’s called Theresa May – is dashing about Brussels, like a headless chicken, and has aged about 10 years in 6 months.
Anyways, no doubt that’ll all blow over, sometime soon, but what won’t, is another love-hate relationship we Brits have – this time with our European friends.
Here’s the lowdown…
Germany – we envy their efficiency, wealth, engineering skills and ability to nab the best sun lounger on the beach – BUT feel superior because WE ARE BRITISH and we won the war.
France – we envy their joie de vivre and luxury brands and marvel at the inability of French women to put on weight – BUT feel superior because WE ARE BRITISH and we saved them during the war.
Italy – we envy their looks, passion, weather and food – BUT feel superior because WE ARE BRITISH.
What to Wear. On the whole, we British gals don’t do Matchy-Matchy New York or Laid-Back LA. The cool girls in town mix it all up, say a leopard print skirt with striped top, ankle socks and wedges then add a trilby and a fun fake fur. – probably lilac. I expect you won’t get away with that but Meghan, PLEASE DO keep the showbiz Markle Sparkle – you look fantastic. And PLEASE DON’T adopt SAFE & DULL beloved by your soon to be sister-in-law Kate, The Duchess of Middleclass.
Oh, and in the winter, be prepared to layer. I hear those castles are pure Baltic, man.
Talking of Class…we Brits are very aware of the class system and know exactly where we belong within it. We don’t always stick there but it’s not as easy here to move up (or down) the pecking order as it is in the good ol’ US of A. One quick route is to marry up…Kate can fill you in on that.
Every So Often Brits Have A Tendency To Get It Right Up The Establishment Like that time some bright spark at Natural Environment Research Council launched a campaign to name for a new polar research ship – no doubt hoping for something like HMS Intrepid Icebreaker. Alas, we, the Great British public, begged to differ. We formed an unspoken alliance and decided that Boaty McBoatface was a much better name. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You’ll find more on that lovely little fiasco here.
And then there was that time we voted for a dancing dog to win Britain’s Got Talent.
So, Ms Gorgeous Meghan Markle, I hope that’s been helpful. If you need any more advice you know where I am.
Just one more wee thing. I could make myself available for bridesmaid duties at short notice – although, please bear in mind, baby-blue is not my best colour.
Yours in servitude
Jill xoxo
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Ah ha ha. What a delightful read. Now wondering if this was aimed only at Meghan or pretty much any new entrant to the UK. I know I’d love it if it was laid out in such a hilarious fashion.
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Oh thanx. Just finished it 10 mins ago! Had fun writing it. Thanks for popping by and commenting. Jill
I sincerely hope she takes note. You could probably do a whole new other on British food and British slang. Oh and I assumed it was non-debatable about Claire Foy. She is just amazing as our Lizzie.
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Hey Hayley yes totally agree – Claire Foy is my new favourite actress. I am practising delayed gratification on Series 2 of The Crown ! Thanks for commenting. Enjoyed writing that. I might do a follow up on food and / or slang. Great idea. Jill x
A very enjoyable post, it put a smile on my face. You are right, she is gorgeous! She is going be an amazing bride.
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Thanks Maja. I enjoyed writing that one. And yes she’ll be a gorgrous bride. I’ll be glued to the TV that day! Jill x
Such a fun post Jill and full of helpful tips. I’m sure she’ll be reading this everyday to remind herself of what she’s got to know from now on.
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HI Debbie thanks for commenting. I had fun writing that one. And yes I expect Meghan will be tuning in right now 🙂 Jill x
I think she will have a lot to learn as an American coming into the Royal Family. You could be her go to person for learning her new role in the UK. Or, just a whole new blog dedicated to helping those of us who are not British, but long to be?!
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Hi Cherie. Now that’s an offer I couldn’t refuse 👍. Thanks for commenting. Jill x
That’s Meghan’s orientation taken care of. You’ve saved the British taxpayer a fortune. Although she seems well-prepared already eg in making reference to the Commonwealth – perhaps she could write a blog to explain it to US.
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Haha. I aim to please. X
LOL – I’ll be interested to see how much of that Meghan picks up on;)
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HI Fiona I expect she’s taking notes as we speak 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to read. Jill
Lovely post. I’m always looking for more understanding of anything British even if I’m not going to marry a royal, although, as long as I’m here, are there any eligible British princesses hanging around?
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Hey Phil thanks for that. Always good to hear from you. Well there’s Eugenie and Beatrice! Jill
I cannot wait to see her in action! A really exciting venture
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Thanks for reading. Yes I’ll be tuned to the telly on the day of that wedding! Jill
Just what I needed this am a good laugh oh and practical advice. This is going to be interesting.
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Hey Brenda thanks for reading and commenting and delighted to hear you enjoyed a good laugh. Jill
This made me chuckle! I hope she reads it imagine?! Some great educational points here.
Oh my, that made me giggle, thank you
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Hi Steph thanks for reading and commented. Great to hear it made you giggle. JIll x
I had a good laugh. This was truly hilarious. I’m so very proud of Harry…we Caribbean gals have had our eyes on him… *wink wink*… and it’s been wonderful to see the outpouring of love and acceptance for them both.
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Haha. That’s funny. Lovely to hear from you and I agree it’s a lovely moment to witness Jill x
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He Melissa you just made me LOL! Yeah Harry was a bit of a catch! And yes agree it’s been lovely to watch the news unfold. Jill’s
This was a witty read. And for some reason… now I want to watch SUITS. Cheers
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Cheers Gabe. Enjoyed writing that one. Think I’ll tune in to Suits too! Jill
What a delightful read and I’d love Meghan to get here and share her thoughts and first impressions 😉 Indians know Brits, atleast we would like to say so. Some of those things like weather talk and class is here too 🙂
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Hey Parul thanks for reading and commenting. It was fun to write that. Weather talk makes excellent small talk 🙂 JIll
The funniest post of my week! Thank you 😂
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Oh thanks Lucy. Thats SOOO great to hear. Jill
Oh it made me laugh to read this article – we Brits are such complicated creatures!! LOL! Love the fact you mentioned the sunbed “wars” – very handy for Meghan to know that as on honeymoon she’ll need Harry to wake up at the crack of dawn to secure the sunbed spaces! …. 😊
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HI Linda I expect Harry will have the sun bed situation sorted out 🙂 Thanx for commenting. JIll
Haha! So funny! And helpful too 😉😂
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Hi Lisa, that’s great to hear. Thanx Jill x
I love this post! Hilarious and extremely informative. I’m reading again!
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Oh thanx Cheryl that’s lovely to hear. Jill
This is. Rilliant. So much truth and humour! Oh I do love Britain!
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Hey Gemma. Thanx. That’s lovely to hear. Jill x
Boaty McBoatface. That is all. Pahahahahahahahahahaha
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I love Boaty McBoatface! Thanx for popping by. Jill. X
I love it. Read from the perspective from a sarcastic Yank from the colonies, I couldn’t stop laughing. Jolly good!
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Hey Frank great to hear from you – thanks. Great to hear you enjoyed. All a bit tongue in cheek but fun to write. I’ll check out your blog later. It’s food time here in Scotland ! Jill x
I adore this.
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Thank you Bryce. That’ so lovely to hear. Jill x
Aww! Jill this post really made me smile as much as it awaken my memory of foreign history. Thank you for sharing.
http://dominikagoodness.blogspot.com.ng
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Hey Dominika, thanks for commenting. Delighted to know you enjoyed. Jill
Fantastic! I hope she gets a chance to see this. Markle Sparkle ought to be a nail color! Thanks for the laughs 🙂
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Hey Julia. Thanks for that. Lovely to hear from you. Jx
Fabulous, i hope the pair of them are really happy together. Really your post should be pinned on the British Consulate page for all visitors to the country. 🤣
Here’s hoping you get the call 😉
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Hey Sonia, I’m in Bridesmaid Training at the moment 🙂 If not I’ll be at the Bloggers Bash !! Hope to see you there? Jill
Just about sums it up 😀
See you on the 19th if I can fight my way through the crowds going to a wedding and the football (sorry – will we have to call it soccer now by royal decree?) supporters going to Wembley
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Hey Dave – as the call to be Meghan’s bridesmaid hasn’t come in I’ll make it along to the Bash! Looking forward to meeting everyone – crowds permitting. ! Jill
Giggled behind my hand … with discretion. Tweeted and giggled raucusly until one required a kleenex at both ends. 😂😃😇
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Fantastic. Delighted to hear you enjoyed. Move over Kardashians Meghan is It!! Jill x
Boaty McBoatface is one of the all-time best things that ever happened. Brexit, not so much. But I’m just from the States, so what do I know?
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Couldn’t agree more Jennifer. I love Boaty McBoatface and wanted to call my blog BloggyMcBlogface but was taken 🙂 Thanks for commenting. JIll