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When you’re young having a crush is easy. It’s either based on LOOKS – that gorgeous barman in your local, or FAME – that bloke from Love Island or maybe even – TALENT – that guy who used to be in One Direction.
When you’re a little more, errmmmm, mature, having a crush tends to involve… SOMEONE PAYING YOU ATTENTION or BEING WILDLY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT SOMETHING or LIKING FOOD AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
So, in case you are remotely interested, here are my…
Top 12 Midlife Crushes
Doctors are trained to find bodies fascinating. Take my GP for example. I recently popped in to show him a rather nasty (and revolting looking) rash on my arm.
I thought the Doc might recoil in horror. Au contraire, he was absolutely riveted. He asked me lots of questions, took my temperature, my blood pressure, had a look in my ears and then whipped out a special magnifying medical instrument and spent a few minutes examining the said rash. He even suggested I take some photographs if I get anything like that appears again.
I honestly left that surgery, clutching my prescription for an anti-inflammatory cream, feeling like the most captivating creature on earth.
The Local Butcher
I’ve never met a butcher who doesn’t flirt. I suspect it’s a combination of handling meat all day, and dealing with a procession of women (and men) asking for two juicy loin chops, please.
My local butcher is always full of chat and forever asking if I’d like a nice pork link (Oooh Matron!!!) as well as a steak pie. I set aside at least ten minutes for every visit: The other day he spent a good 5 minutes regaling me with the merits of a Barnsley Chop. Fascinating!
That Geezer From Masterchef
I just love how excited Greg Wallace gets over a well-made Melt-In-The-Middle pudding. This cheeky cockney loves his grub as much as I do
Emmanuel is so fresh-faced and enthusiastic and, well, French. I follow him on Twitter – haven’t a clue what he’s on about but, I bet it’s a bit saucy. And he loves older women – his wife is 24 years his senior (incidentally the same age gap and President Trumpety and Melanoma).
If you want to know how Le President and I got on during a Fantasy Lunch click here.
The Pool Guy
I know it’s his job to keep an eye on swimmers but honestly, the lifeguard in my local swimming pool just can’t keep his eyes off me. My friend said it might be my choice in swimming caps.
Now I know we can’t have workmen shouting SHOWS YER KNOCKERS at every passing woman but, for fear of upsetting some of my feminist sistas, I don’t mind a bit of harmless banter with workmen.
Take the guys who have been working on the flat down the road from me for the last 6 months. They regularly shout a MORNING to me, or something along the lines of NICE SCARF or IS THAT YOU BUYING BISCUITS AGAIN?
No, not the 96-year old one with the dodgy hip, rather dishy 30-something version, played by the Matt Smith in The Crown. My, that man had attitude and could carry off a white sailor suit and a pair of jodhpurs – Tally Ho. Turns out he made a pretty supportive husband too, in the long run
I don’t give a rat’s behind about football, but I’d pay good money to watch this handsome Portuguese dude run up and down the touch-line or side-line, or whatever the heck it’s called, shouting at his team. He’s so passionate about it all and says things like I Am The Special One. Hot Damn.
Ever since I watched Crazy Stupid Love I’ve fantasised about dancing with Ryan, culminating in him holding me aloft, Dirty-Dancing-style. That face. Those abs. And, I hear, he’s a feminist.
Anyone who read How To Do A City Break will know my ideal travel companion is Rick Stein. He’s just so well-traveled, interesting, he can quote Keats at appropriate moments – and rustle up a lovely fish curry in minutes.
All Airline Pilots
Whenever I catch a glimpse of a pilot sitting in front of all those complicated controls my heart just leaps and I know I can trust them implicitly not to crash the plane.
…in anything, but especially Jessica Jones and Broadchurch. Marvelous actor and he has THE best Scottish accent ever. Fact!
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